By Dr. Michael Oberschneider, Ashburn Psychological & Psychiatric Services

When Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson was recently arrested for beating his 4-year-old son with a tree branch, the response was passive and mixed. Initially, the Vikings benched Peterson for a single game but then immediately reinstated him. And it was only after further investigation and public outcry that the team placed Peterson on the exempt list until the completion of his legal case.

The facts involving the incident as presented in the media, if true, are very concerning. The beating allegedly caused numerous injuries to the child, leaving cuts and bruises all over his body, including injury to his scrotum.

Over the past week, there has been much commentary on the incident and a lot of that commentary has passively excused Peterson for his actions. Even retired NBA star and newscaster Mr. Charles Barkley has publicly minimized Peterson’s actions stating, “…I’m from the South. Whipping — we do that all the time.” And, “…Every black parent in my neighborhood in the South would be in trouble or in jail under those circumstances.”

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Beyond the media and celebrity opinion, however, the Peterson incident has certainly reignited the old debate on spanking, with many still supporting the right to spank as a form of punishment. More specifically, surveys have shown that two-thirds of Americans support parents spanking their children.

While corporal punishment is not a crime in Virginia, and while many parents today hold the view that spanking is an acceptable parenting technique, this view is not supported by the large body of research in this area that has repeatedly shown that spanking, and other forms of physical punishment, can lead to serious problems in children — mental health problems, increased aggression, antisocial behavior, and physical injury.

But most of us do not live a life wholly off of research findings, and none of us are perfect. As a psychologist, I know that overall, spanking is an ineffective parenting technique with the potential for harm. However, as a parent, I have used it sparingly at times and with success. For example, I can recall a time when my four-year-old son purposefully disregarded me and began to walk into the parking lot on his own. I grabbed him quickly, spoke to him firmly about the danger of his actions, and also gave him a couple of taps on the bottom to send my point home. At that moment, I do not believe that my firm voice or the spanking itself was harmful; rather, I think it helped to make my point, and it worked. My son did not walk in a parking lot alone again after that exchange.

But an occasional spanking in support of good parenting does not seem to be what occurred between Mr. Peterson and his son. Fear-based parenting as a practice is wholly unacceptable. I suppose Mr. Barkley’s point that environmental differences can influence behavior is valid as an explanation, but I do not agree that it can be offered up as an excuse when it comes to beating a child to the point of injury. This is 2014, and regardless of where you are raised, regardless of the color of your skin, and regardless of your socioeconomic status, parents should not beat their children.

By Dr. Michael Oberschneider, Ashburn Psychological & Psychiatric Services

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), depression affects one in every 10 Americans. And while the CDC’s data on depression currently shows that folks residing in the Commonwealth of Virginia fall slightly below the national average, many children, adolescents, and adults in our area suffer from depressive disorders.

In fact, childhood and adolescent depression are on the rise, and a 2014 survey conducted by the World Health Organization (WHO) found depression to be the number one disability and illness for adolescents worldwide. WHO’s survey also ranked suicide as the third leading cause of death worldwide for adolescents, following road/traffic injuries and HIV/AIDS, respectively. Moreover, research has shown that about half of those who suffer from mental health conditions later in life showed symptoms by 14-years-old.

While the exact cause(s) of childhood and adolescent depression is not entirely known, research has identified a number of factors that are believed to contribute to the development of formal depression, including genetics and biology, social anxiety and peer pressure, academic pressure, traumatic events, romantic relationship struggles, low self-esteem, feelings of hopelessness, separating or divorcing parents, family financial struggles, physical or emotional neglect, or abuse and other sorts of early life and family of origin struggles (e.g., moving, blended family dynamics, significant losses).

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Research studies have also shown that children and adolescents who suffer from depression are at a higher risk for experiencing other sorts of problems and conditions — anxiety, ADHD, oppositional defiant disorder, and substance use disorders, as well as social and conduct problems.

The 2013-2014 Fairfax County Youth Survey assessed 47,084 Fairfax County Public School Students in the 6th, 8th, 10th and 12th grades across several areas of functioning. Overall, youth in the 10th and 12th grades who participated in the survey endorsed higher rates of depression for themselves compared to their same-aged peers nationally. And females who participated reported higher rates of depression for all of the assessed grades than the male students. Interestingly, the trend for higher rates of depression for females was also consistent for all races. The percentage of students in the 10th and 12th grades in Fairfax who considered suicide was also higher than the US average.

Depression Signs & Symptoms
While depression can mean something different and may even look different for individuals of all ages, parents should keep a watchful eye out for the following signs and behaviors for their children and adolescents:

∙ Extreme personality changes
∙ Loss of interest in activities that used to be enjoyable
∙ Significant loss or gain in appetite
∙ Significant weight gain or loss
∙ Difficulty falling asleep or wanting to sleep all-day
∙ Fatigue or loss of energy
∙ Feelings of worthlessness or guilt
∙ Withdrawal from family and friends
∙ Neglect of personal appearance or hygiene
∙ Sadness, irritability, or indifference
∙ Extreme anxiety or panic
∙ Poor school performance
∙ Difficulty paying attention and concentrating or making decisions
∙ Thinking or talking about death and/or suicide
∙ Feelings of hopelessness
∙ Curiosity with or experimentation with drugs or alcohol

When to Consider Getting Help
It’s a good thing to trust your parental instincts or intuition if you feel that your child or adolescent may be depressed. I recommend meeting with a child psychiatrist or child psychologist if the problems are (1) impacting your child or teen across the important areas of his or her life and (2) if your efforts to provide support as a parent(s) have not improved things within a reasonable amount of time.

Research has shown that individual Cognitive-Behavior Therapy (CBT) and Interpersonal Therapy (IT) are considered to be the most effective therapies for treating depression. Depending on one’s circumstances and needs, family therapy may also prove to be helpful in reducing depressive symptomatology and bringing about improved personal well-being. Mental health research studies have also repeatedly shown that psychiatric medication to be very successful in the treatment of childhood and adolescent depression, especially for severe range depression. Several research studies have shown that a combination of medication and therapy together brings about the most meaningful and lasting changes for depression.

Prevention is the Best Medicine
There are many things that parents can do to prevent emotional and social problems from happening for their children in the first place. The research in this area supports the old adage that “an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.” For example, studies have shown that children that spend too much time on screens are at a higher risk of developing problems, including depression. Thus, it is good for parents to limit gaming, social media, and other forms of electronic entertainment for their children. Moreover, children who do not eat healthily, do not exercise, and do not have a consistent sleep schedule are also at a greater risk of experiencing depressive symptoms. Family time is also important, for example, studies have shown that children who eat fewer than three family meals a week are at a greater risk of developing problems ranging from tobacco and alcohol use to depression and eating disorders.

Thus, as a psychologist, I frequently recommend the importance of balance for children and adolescents. Yes, Northern Virginia children and adolescents have so many resources and opportunities available to them. Yes, socioeconomically, Loudoun County currently ranks as the highest-income county by median household income in the US. And yes, our area’s public school system is one of the best in the country, and many of Virginia’s colleges and universities are top-notch. But with so many opportunities and resources available to our children comes increased pressure and competition, which can be difficult for some.

By spending time with your children, by being involved and available in their lives, and by modeling and encouraging balance across the important areas of their lives — academics, social, physical/athletic — your children will be better able to manage and overcome emotional problems when they occur.

By Dr. Michael Oberschneider, Ashburn Psychological & Psychiatric Services

Dear Dr. Mike,

Does harsh parenting hurt kids later in life? My husband is very hard on our kids who are 3 and 7, and there are way too many fights and tears in our house for my comfort level. He says that our kids need to learn to listen without talking back, and he points out that they always obey him with his approach.

He also often makes the point to me that his parents were very strict with him as a child, and he turned out good. He also gets angry with me because I am not as strict as he would like me to be. It’s true that I tend to give in to the kids too much, but I think I do that because he is so mean. He is the firm one, and I am the loving one in the house.

He’s not a bad dad, but he’s too hard on them. Beyond my strong need to protect my kids from him, this is causing a problem in our marriage. Your thoughts are appreciated.

Dear Concerned Parent,

While there is no absolute right or wrong way to parent, the research in this area, beginning in the 1960s, is well-established and has consistently identified four main parenting styles. Several studies have shown coloration between the four parenting styles and a child’s later well-being.

Authoritarian Parenting
Authoritarian Parenting is rule-bound parenting, where the parents make up all the rules, which the child is expected to follow without any input, discussion, or questioning. These parents are considered to be strict and demanding with their children, and they rely on punishment or the firm hand approach when their children disobey. These parents are typically not emotionally responsive, and when a child questions a parent with this style, “because I told you so” or “just do what I say” are the sort of responses heard.

Generally, children from authoritarian homes tend to get in trouble less than children who are raised by permissive or uninvolved parents. However, since obedience and respect are taught to be much more important than independence and autonomy, children from these homes tend to grow up with challenges. Research studies have shown that children raised by authoritarian parents have higher rates of low self-esteem and can be negatively influenced by antisocial peer pressure during the teen years. These children can be more passive and can struggle more academically and socially later in life.

Authoritative Parenting
Authoritative Parenting is egalitarian or democratic parenting where there are rules, but the parents are more responsive and engaged when their children ask questions or present with challenges. Parents with this style take a more nurturing approach to their children over a punitive one when expectations are not met. Authoritative parents foster a supportive and relational climate that encourages their children to problem-solve and think for themselves. In these homes, rules can be discussed for the child’s increased understanding and not just for the child’s adherence to the parents’ demands.

Several research studies have shown that the authoritative parenting style is the superior parenting style. Children from these homes tend to be well-adjusted and are poised to do the best in life academically, socially, and career-wise. Between the four groups, these children have the highest self-esteem and the greatest confidence. They also tend to be more independent, self-assured, competent, and socially responsible.

Permissive Parenting
Permissive Parenting is characterized by parenting with few expectations, rules, or demands for their children’s behavior. These are the “no-discipline parents.” While these parents are viewed as being nurturing, involved, and loving with their children, permissive parents appear more like friends to their children and will often rely on bribery, cajoling, and gifting as a form of reinforcement.

While research has shown that children raised by permissive parents can be better off than children raised by uninvolved or authoritarian parents, raising children with too much freedom and too few expectations or boundaries can create problems later in life. “Spoiled” and “self-centered,” these children can act out and become more aggressive, can develop a lack of drive/motivation and self-discipline, and can have problems with authority later in life.

Uninvolved Parenting
Uninvolved Parenting is typically considered neglectful parenting. These parents are emotionally detached and dismissive; they have few, if any, expectations for their children, and they offer little to no supervision. Instead, these parents have passive or even avoidant relationships with their children, and at their worst, these parents can be wholly neglectful.

Research has shown that children who are raised by uninvolved parents generally turn out to be the unhappiest and least successful among the four groups later in life. They can experience a host of problems, including increased anxiety, alcohol or substance abuse, depression, poor social skills, and poor academics.

While research on the four parenting styles is reliable and valid, and the styles can provide a roadmap to guide us in our parenting, the types are not absolute. Gender, culture, genetics, and personality are factors that challenge the four-type parenting model. For example, there are fundamental differences between Western and Eastern cultures regarding parenting successful children. The book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mom is a good example of a more authoritarian style of parenting being advantageous.

Based on what you have written, it seems that your husband has more of an authoritarian approach to parenting, where you are more permissive. If that is the case, it is understandable that the two of you are not getting along well as parents. The first thing I think you should do is discuss your concerns with your husband in an open, respectful, and non-judgmental way. The point of the discussion should not be to prove the many ways you think he is wrong, but rather to find a place for compromise and increased agreement in your co-parenting.

You could start by praising your husband for the things you like about his parenting and then lovingly move to the topic of what you do not like. It might be helpful for your husband and you to read or skim through some parenting books together to better understand where your 3- and 7-year-old children are cognitively and emotionally. Developmentally, your 3-year-old is going to listen and respond differently to parental demands than your 7-year-old, and your husband needs to understand and appreciate these differences.

There is no reason that “firm” or “loving” needs to be mutually-exclusive ideas or parenting approaches, and with patience, respect, and improved communication, I am hopeful that you and your husband can learn to be firm and loving in the co-parenting of your children.

By Dr. Michael Oberschneider, Ashburn Psychological & Psychiatric Services

Dear Dr. Mike,

I have been divorced for 18-months now. It wasn’t an ugly split and my ex-husband, and I share custody of the children. He gets them 3-consecutive days, and I get them 4-consecutive days.

The kids, 5- and 8-years-old, at first thought it was fun to have two houses — almost like a vacation. Now, when they get mad or disciplined by me, they immediately retaliate with “I want to go to Dad’s house…” or “Dad would never do that…” Would individual or family therapy help us? Or perhaps a different custody arrangement so they don’t feel as if they have the option to go somewhere else when they don’t like what I have to say? I get the impression they feel as if they are living two separate lives.

Dear Concerned Parent,

As a custody evaluator, I am often perforce in the role of determining visitation and custody arrangements for divorcing families. It would be easy if there were a one-size-fits-all formula to situations like yours, but there is not. Each divorcing or divorced family is unique, and several factors need to be considered in establishing the best possible visitation or custody arrangement — the children’s ages, their temperaments/personalities, their histories with each parent (e.g., was one parent more present or absent in raising the children prior to the divorce), their current relationships with each parent, parental availability, and resources, blended family dynamics, etc.

Research has shown that shared custody is typically best for children; the active presence of a child’s mother and father in a child’s life can facilitate bonding and identity formation, as well as social, emotional, and intellectual growth. Your visitation arrangement is not unusual for children your age and the court understandably usually supports equal time for both parents as much as possible. However, as you write, the frequent back and forth between the two parental homes may be creating problems for your children.

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If your co-parenting relationship with your ex-husband is a strong one, I recommend expressing your concerns to him if you have not already done so. Perhaps the two of you can work together to create a more unified approach to identified problem moments with your children. Even if you and your ex-husband do not see eye-to-eye when it comes to your children or have different parenting styles, things may begin to improve if you are more consistent in how you engage, reward, and consequence your children in both homes. If your co-parenting relationship is, however, not strong, it may be helpful to address your concerns with a mental health professional trained in your area of need. A parenting coordinator is advised for situations like yours.

Beyond your current visitation schedule, keep in mind that it has only been a year and a half since your divorce, and your children may still be adjusting to life as a divorced family. Thus, your children may need to address any struggles they may be having with you or their father or their situation more openly with your support and guidance, or they may ultimately benefit from speaking to a child psychologist.

Making formal changes to a custody agreement can be very difficult to do unless there are significant changes in circumstances or you and your husband are in agreement that changes are needed. If, however, you feel that you have tried everything and things have not improved or have gotten worse for your children, I recommend that you contact your attorney to discuss your options.

By Dr. Michael Oberschneider, Ashburn Psychological & Psychiatric Services

Dear Dr. Mike,

My husband and I are worried because our 14-year-old daughter thinks that “he” is transgender.

It’s true that she’s always been interested in more masculine activities, and this past year she announced to us that she should’ve been born a boy. She told us that we’re now supposed to call him by his new male name and use the pronoun “he,” but we are not ready to do that.

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I guess it’s great for Caitlyn Jenner to come into her own, but Caitlyn’s story has bolstered my kid to think that she too will have some sort of glamorous coming-out story one day.

We’ve been very patient with our daughter’s masculine pursuits and attitude, but things are getting out of hand for us. She now wants to join an LGBT group this summer that we are against!

We recently looked at her Internet history which showed that she is researching transgender topics. She is also reaching out to transgender teens about lifestyle changes. We’ve had horrible fights over the issue because we won’t use her new name, and she is usually angry with us these days.

I know this probably isn’t politically correct for me to say this, but life is hard enough being normal. My husband and I can only imagine how much harder her life would be as a transgender man, and we don’t want that for her. We would be grateful for your guidance and feedback on how to fix this.

Dear Concerned Parent,

The news of Caitlyn Jenner has created quite a stir. Certainly, her transformation from man to woman is a wonderful thing for transgender individuals who are often misunderstood, or worse, marginalized and discriminated against societally. Since the Vanity Fair article, the topic is being discussed more openly, and this will likely lead to greater acceptance for the transgender way of life and community as a whole.

I am not surprised to have received your letter, and, as a Child Psychologist, I have mixed feelings about the increased media attention on transgenderism for children in recent years. And now, with the Caitlyn Jenner story, I am concerned that certain children will be over-encouraged or rushed to see themselves as being transgender when they ultimately may not be.

You should know that recent transgender research supports the position that gender identity may be more biologically hard-wired than previously believed — genes, chromosomes, and one’s endocrinology appear to be the main determents that form and solidify adult gender identity. Other recent research has shown that gender identity in children can be deeply rooted at a young age and that these children are not confused at all about who they are.

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However, there is also research findings showing that children can be confused about their gender identity. Still, then their gender identity matches up with their biological sex later in life as adults. Moreover, from my experience as a Child Psychologist, I have worked with several children who have experienced themselves as being transgendered at a young age but then grew up not to be.

I understand your concern for your daughter, but you and your husband will need to be patient with her as she matures and discovers who she is.

Right now, you have competing needs with your daughter around her gender identity; the topic is very sensitive and charged — one with multiple layers of thoughts, emotions, and meaning. Your daughter likely becomes upset with you because, in her mind, you are not accepting her for who she believes she is or wants to be. Your daughter needs your support and love, and if you continue to fight with her, she could start to feel bad about herself or even feel unloved by you both.

I think you need to move away from having competing needs to having more complimentary ones in parenting your daughter.

I recommend that you start with a talk where you respectfully and lovingly let your daughter know how you feel about her gender identity and what your concerns are for her. You can also let her know what you are comfortable doing in support of her and what you are not. Be careful not to express disappointment or judgment; the conversation should be a positive and proactive one, so be careful not to come off as being sad or defeated in finding compromises or collaborative solutions with your daughter regarding her gender identity.

The following are a few points to consider with your daughter:

Support Your Daughter’s Developing Gender Choices & Interests
As parents, you want to create a diverse environment with various opportunities. Allow your daughter to make choices and to explore who she is without judgment. If she shows or expresses an interest in cross-gender activities, be as supportive as possible. Thus, I think you should allow her to join the LGBT group, but at the same time, you can expose her to a variety of other activities this summer.

We are currently running a therapy group at our practice for teens that believe they are transgendered. The purpose of the group is not to influence or direct the gender identity of any individual, rather, the group is a safe place for teens to openly discuss and make sense of their thoughts, feelings, and wishes with others who are going through the same thing. The group has also helped to connect parents who are working to understand their teens’ needs.

Support Your Daughter’s Gender Style
Some children are more masculine or feminine in style, so be respectful of who your daughter is and do not try to change her. I encourage you and your husband to support her clothing choices, hairstyle, and even her gestures and mannerisms. Of course, offer parental guidance and direction when appropriate, but do not challenge her simply because what she is wearing or how she is presenting herself to the world makes you uncomfortable.

Be Cautious When Considering Life-Changing Interventions or Treatments for Your Daughter Before Adulthood
In my experience as a Child Psychologist, transgender children are excited to match or complete their gender identity to their biological sex as quickly as they can. While still controversial, hormonal treatments and certain interventions are becoming more acceptable. And many transgendered female teens elect to get bilateral mastectomies (‘top surgery’) prior to turning 18, with some surgeons conducting the surgery on minors with parental consent.

If your daughter begins to discuss hormone treatment or top surgery with you, I recommend that you weigh all of the possible advantages and problems that could occur with a specialist. Given the seriousness of these sorts of treatments and interventions, I also think that it is always wise to get a second or even third opinion from respected specialists in the field before making possible life-changing and/or permanent changes for your daughter.

To your point, there is also no doubt that a transgender life is much harder than a “normal” life. Transgender individuals experience all sorts of discrimination, and they have higher rates of mental health problems and suicides. As parents, we always want the best for our children, but it is possible that being transgender, as difficult as that seems to you, it may be what’s best for your daughter.

Your daughter needs to explore who she is, and she needs your understanding, acceptance, and love to be able to do that. With time, I hope that your daughter will mature through adolescence and into adulthood with a sound sense of self for who she is truly meant to be.