By Dr. Lisa Bateman, NeuroScience

As parents, we want to shield our children from stress and adversity as much as possible. However, we cannot protect them from everything; everyone will face challenges in his or her life. What we can do is give them the skills necessary to face those stresses and challenges head-on, to learn from them, and to grow in strength and maturity as a result. Resilience is the ability to bounce back from stress, challenges, tragedy, trauma, or adversity. When children and teens are resilient, they are better able to cope with and overcome the challenging and stressful situations life may bring.

All children and teens have different levels of resilience and different ways of responding to and recovering from emotionally challenging situations in their lives. They also have different ways of showing us when they are not coping well with those emotional demands. Children may become very emotional, they may withdraw, or they may become defiant, angry, irritable, or resentful. Children with lower resilience may exhibit these behaviors more often.

Although it may seem like some people are born with higher resilience, it is something that can be taught and nurtured in all children. Science has shown that exposure to the right experiences can actually change the wiring of the brain in people of any age (meaning adults can benefit from resilience training as well).

So how do you help your children build resilience? Here are some tips:

Foster Relationships with Caring Adults
Research has shown that children are best able to work through and recover from adversity and stressful situations when they have a reliable, supportive relationship with at least one adult in their lives. A loving relationship with a caring adult (such as a parent, family member, teacher, or coach) can give children an opportunity to develop vital coping skills and can actually reverse some of the physiological changes that are activated by stress.

Similarly, support from loving friends and family is associated with higher self-esteem, motivation, optimism, and resilience. Sometimes children are so absorbed in their own worries that they have difficulty noticing the supportive people in their lives, so it can be helpful to remind them who they have rooting for them and teach them how to reach out to these people for support when they need it.

Help Build Executive Function
Children and teens have the ability to develop more resiliency when they have supportive relationships, positive role models, opportunities for social connection, and regular engagement in prosocial activities and exercise. Additionally, structure and routines play an important role, as well as opportunities to act independently and practice making their own decisions with helpful supports in place. These are all techniques for strengthening executive function that can help children manage their own behavior and feelings, thereby increasing their capacity to cope with stressful situations.

Mindfulness
Many of us spend our time and energy thinking about things that have already occurred or worrying about things that will happen in the future. Mindfulness involves practicing observing your present thoughts and feelings without judging them and increasing awareness of and attention to the present. Children and teens can learn how to practice mindfulness from a clinician who is trained in mindfulness or even through an App on their smartphones, such as “Headspace.” Children and teens who practice mindfulness on a regular basis can become more resilient, which means they are better able to cope with daily challenges and stressors that they experience in their lives and be less likely to experience symptoms of anxiety and depression.

Acknowledge Their Strengths
“You’ve got this!” When children have confidence in themselves and their abilities they are more likely to be able to handle future stressful situations. Sometimes we are so focused on addressing challenges that we forget to notice and appreciate strengths, both in ourselves and in our children. Helping children and teens regularly recognize and celebrate their strengths will increase resilience to adversity over time.

Nurture Optimism & Teach Them How to Reframe
Studies have shown that optimism is one of the key characteristics of resilient people. Similarly, the ability to reframe a situation to focus on what they have rather than what they have lost is a very valuable skill to have. If your child tends to focus on the negative aspects of a situation, acknowledge his or her feelings, but try to point out the positive. “I know you’re disappointed that it’s raining today and can’t play outside; how about we try out that new board game we have?”

Encourage Children to Take Age-Appropriate Risks
Age-appropriate freedom helps children learn to make their own decisions, helps build more confidence in their ability to trust themselves, and teaches them that they can cope when things don’t go exactly as they planned.

Let Children Experience Failure
We all want to shield our children from failure, but children need to learn how to handle the stress of failure during childhood so that they are better able to manage that stress during adulthood. Early experiences of overcoming stress can cause positive changes in the prefrontal cortex of the brain that can protect against the negative effects of future stress.

Encourage Children to Ask for Help
It is important to encourage children to take risks and have confidence in themselves, but it is equally important to let them know that it is okay to ask for help and that they do not have to manage alone. If your child is having continual difficulty coping and overcoming challenging situations, and it is impacting their functioning, it may be time to seek help from a licensed psychologist. A psychologist could work with you and your child to develop the skills necessary to build resiliency and emotional well-being.

By Dr. Erin Kardel, NeuroScience

Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) is a neurodevelopmental disorder that affects approximately 11 percent of school-age children. ADHD is characterized by developmentally inappropriate levels of inattention, impulsivity, and hyperactivity. These symptoms typically persist into adulthood, and, without identification and proper treatment, those who have ADHD can face school problems, family stress and disruption, depression, relationship problems, substance abuse, delinquency, accidental injuries, and job failure.

There is no single test that can be used to diagnose a child with ADHD. Sometimes a child’s pediatrician can make a diagnosis, or sometimes the child will be referred to a mental health specialist, such as a clinical psychologist, to make a diagnosis.

Although ADHD cannot be “cured,” children with ADHD can receive treatment to learn to effectively manage their symptoms in order to improve success in academics, social situations, and other domains. Symptoms of ADHD are most effectively managed with a combination of medication (most commonly stimulants) and behavioral therapy.

While medication may seem like the simplest and most commonly prescribed treatment option, guidelines provided by both the American Academy of Pediatrics and the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry suggest that the best treatment results occur when medication and behavior therapy are used together. The guidelines also state that for children with mild to moderate ADHD symptoms, it may be best to try behavior therapy before the use of medication.

Behavior therapy is based on the notion that children generally want to please their parents and feel good about themselves when their parent is proud of them. Children are also often motivated to behave appropriately when they are rewarded for good behavior and face negative consequences for inappropriate behavior.

Behavior therapy relies on these basic motivations and generally consists of three methods:

Develop a Deeper Emotional Connection with the Child
Often, the parent/child relationship can become strained and fraught with conflict in response to the frustration caused by ADHD symptoms. The good times between a parent and a child can dwindle to almost nothing, which often causes the child to lose his desire to please his parents.

In many situations, the first step in behavioral treatment is to increase the positive feelings between parent and child. One helpful way to do this is for the parent to set aside a small amount (even just 30 minutes) of “special time” each day to focus on connecting with the child in a positive way.

Using Positive Reinforcement to Encourage Good Behavior
Another way that parents can build positive behaviors for children with ADHD is to “catch their child being good.” Research suggests that the most effective ratio of positives to negatives when working with children is 5 positives for every 1 negative.

Parents can practice increasing their use of specific, labeled praise when their children engage in positive, prosocial behaviors. This can simply mean noticing when a child is doing something the parent wants to encourage (e.g., playing quietly) and commenting on it (“You’re doing such a great job playing quietly, I really appreciate it”).

When children see that their parents notice and appreciate their efforts at behaving well, it often increases their desire to do so. Providing concrete privileges or rewards for appropriate behavior (such as small prizes) is another form of positive reinforcement.

Using Negative Consequences to Reduce Misbehavior
Telling a child ahead of time, that they will lose certain privileges if they engage in inappropriate behavior can also lead to a reduction in that behavior. However, for this technique to work, it is very important that the parent follows through with the stated negative consequence; the child needs to see that the parent will be consistent and that there is absolutely no payoff for misbehavior.

It is also important not to overdo negative consequences; children can get discouraged if they are used too frequently or if they are too intense or long in duration based on the misbehavior, which can result in it becoming an ineffective therapy option.

While these behavioral therapies would be useful with all children, some things to keep in mind include:

∙ Children with ADHD generally require more frequent feedback about how they are doing in meeting their parent’s expectations;
∙ Children with ADHD do better when there is a shorter interval between the good behavior and the reward (small daily rewards are often more effective than a larger reward that won’t materialize for a few days);
∙ Children with ADHD require more frequent reminders about what is expected of them and what they can earn for meeting those expectations;
∙ Children with ADHD benefit most from simple, effective commands rather than multi-step or long-winded commands;
∙ Children with ADHD often require frequent changes in the reward system to remain interested in it.

Because ADHD does persist across the lifespan, many adults often also benefit from behavioral therapy to address symptoms of ADHD. For adults, behavior treatment for ADHD often involves building skills for time management, prioritizing and initiating tasks, overcoming emotional obstacles, setting up and maintaining an organizational system, and using self-contingencies to increase engagement in tasks that require sustained attention. NeuroScience, Inc. is currently enrolling adults in a group designed to build and reinforce these skills in the context of a supportive group environment.

Also, NeuroScience, Inc. offers an individual treatment called ACTIVATE, which is a computerized cognitive training and assessment program designed for children and adults with ADHD.

To learn more about individual behavior therapy options for children, adolescents, and adults with ADHD, please contact NeuroScience, Inc. at (703) 787-9090.

By Heather A. Cooper & Dr. Leah Nathan, Cooper Ginsberg Gray, PLLC, Jan 2018

Michelle sat nervously across from the attorney, answering questions about her family’s finances as best she could during the initial interview. Michelle never thought she would find herself in the office of a divorce attorney, but her husband’s sudden and unilateral proclamation that their marriage was “over” propelled her into new and uncomfortable circumstances.

∙ How long has your husband been contributing to the retirement plan?
∙ When you purchased the house, what was the source of funds for the down payment?
∙ Do you receive bonuses as part of your compensation package?

As Michelle shuffled through the paperwork that she had haphazardly shoved in her bag before leaving for the appointment, looking for the answers to the attorney’s questions, the lawyer was already identifying the legal issues that would likely arise in the case. However, the other professional in the room was identifying issues of a much different nature — issues that needed as much, if not more, immediate attention and continual consideration and monitoring throughout the divorce process.

Seated next to Michelle’s attorney was the law firm’s Divorce Coach, a psychologist whose primary concern was not the source of funds used to accumulate assets or how the family’s income was structured, but rather whether Michelle was emotionally ready for the challenges that the divorce would bring.

The Divorce Coach listened carefully to Michelle’s statements and observed her reactions and demeanor. She then remarked to both Michelle and the attorney that Michelle appeared to be in the first phase of the grief cycle, characterized by denial, confusion, shock, and fear. Michelle exhaled because the Divorce Coach had verbalized exactly what she was feeling.

Michelle was devastated by a situation over which she had no control and terrified of the impact that separation and divorce would inevitably have on the children and her financial security. The attorney, grateful for the Divorce Coach’s input, refocused her questions to ensure that all of Michelle’s issues and concerns were being addressed in a sensitive nature.

“Divorce coaching,” an often unfamiliar term for many divorcing spouses (and even family law attorneys), is an active, individualized service geared towards helping clients navigate the emotional roller coaster of divorce, make informed decisions, adapt to change, and envision their future after the divorce. The American Bar Association has recognized divorce coaching as a goal-oriented process designed to help clients make the best possible decisions for their future based on their particular interests, needs, and concerns. The Divorce Coach becomes the client’s objective “thinking partner” as she traverses the three primary phases of the divorce:

∙ Should I stay or should I go?
∙ How can I possibly get through this?
∙ How do I adjust to my new life?

With a thinking partner to assist with the emotional challenges that the process brings, the client is able to manage stress more effectively and work more efficiently with the lawyer in developing an action plan for optimal success (whether through settlement or litigation).

Divorce Coaches can assist in a variety of other ways, such as:

∙ Compiling personality profiles of the client and the spouse (which can be extremely beneficial to the overall legal strategy);
∙ Preparing clients for the reactions (expected and unexpected) of their spouse to different issues or triggers;
∙ Helping clients become more efficient in their communications and interactions with the attorney (whose hourly rate is often more expensive than that of the Divorce Coach, thereby providing overall cost savings for the client);
∙ Teaching clients effective ways of communicating with their children and addressing the emotions and issues presented by them during (and after) the divorce;
∙ Providing unique tools for stress management (such as the use of breathing techniques, role plays, journaling, etc.); and
∙ Spotting issues that the attorney might not otherwise know to look for (such as the effect that an event in a client’s childhood may be having on his/her approach to issues in the divorce).

People, who find themselves in the midst of a divorce, whether by their choice or that of their spouse, can benefit from the services of a law firm that recognizes the significance and importance not only of the family’s financial and legal issues but the emotional issues as well. Divorce coaching compliments the expertise and essential services of the attorney and often reduces the overall costs of the divorce.

When a Divorce Coach is involved, attorneys can devote more time and effort to the legal aspects of the case and rest assured that clients are better able to make informed decisions and cooperate more effectively with the legal process. At the same time, the client feels increasingly empowered, having become equipped with empirically validated strategies for coping with stress, effectively communicating with her spouse, children, and attorney, and envisioning the future.

Heather A. Cooper is one of three founding partners of Cooper Ginsberg Gray, PLLC, a family law firm serving the Northern Virginia area; Dr. Leah Nathan is the firm’s Psychologist/Divorce Coach who works closely with the firm’s attorneys. Dr. Nathan offers one-on-one divorce coaching and facilitates complimentary seminars and support groups for Cooper Ginsberg Gray, PLLC’s clients. Learn more about Divorce Coaching here.

Cooper Ginsberg Gray, PLLC is located at 10201 Fairfax Blvd., Suite 520, Fairfax, VA 22030. Visit them online or by calling (703) 934-1480.