By Dr. Michael Oberschneider, Ashburn Psychological & Psychiatric Services

The global pandemic has made the last year and a half tough for many; the pandemic has forced numerous adjustments and compromises on us. The death toll in the US alone is tragically closing in on 740,000 deaths.

Yes, we have a vaccine, and positive new cases across the nation (and the world) are trending down. Still, many of the stressors of COVID-19 remain at a time when there is so much negativity and disagreement in the world, and within our community, I invite us to focus on the good this Thanksgiving. I offer the following seven tips to show gratitude and give thanks this Thanksgiving 2021.

Be Present
With COVID-19, some of us feel safer traveling than others, and while some of us are vaccinated, many still are not. These sorts of issues and others create challenges for families who would like to celebrate Thanksgiving together. But even if your holiday plans to get together are challenging this year, I recommend striving to be as present as you can be. If you can’t be with your more prominent family due to travel and distance, perhaps you can spend time with nearby family and friends. Even if you’re alone on Thanksgiving, you can use technology to your advantage by connecting via FaceTime or Zoom with your loved ones.

Unplug
Technology is wonderful, but try not to let it interfere with your family time. It’s one thing to watch a football game or a movie with others, but it’s entirely another thing to be distracted by technology during a gathering. Of course, you can always check CNN, Fox News, Facebook, or other social media sites later, so put down your phone or device and enjoy the occasion with the ones you’re with.

Be Agreeable
Is it better to be right or to get along? It’s easy to get upset by the many topics and stories in the news these days, but how productive or enjoyable is it to bring those things up with others this Thanksgiving? Even if you’re with folks who agree with you, you still risk getting worked up when you talk about emotionally charged topics during a festive gathering. There’s an old saying that politics, money, and religion are the three main topics you want to avoid in most social groups. I agree that they’re probably the topics you want to avoid this Thanksgiving.

Be Moderate
It’s easy to overindulge in food and drink during Thanksgiving, but striving for moderation is always good. So, instead of going back for that second or third plate or having that extra glass of wine, try to be mindful of your intake.

Move
Sitting around can be a big part of Thanksgiving, and while relaxing is essential, so is being active. Movement is always great for the body and mind, so I recommend you try to get out this Thanksgiving. Going for a walk or a hike, playing a game of flag football with friends and family, or signing up for a Thanksgiving 5K or Turkey Trot, are just a few ways to be active or to recover after a heavy meal.

Volunteer
Thanksgiving is a wonderful time to serve your community, and there are several ways to give back in our area — donating a turkey or to a local food bank, visiting the elderly, working at a soup kitchen, delivering for Meals on Wheels, etc., are just a few possibilities to consider. In addition to doing some good in the world for those less fortunate than you or those in need, research on volunteering has also shown that people are happier after volunteering. With depression and anxiety rates skyrocketing during COVID-19, the need to give is especially great this Thanksgiving, and you will probably feel better about yourself when you do it.

Reflect
Research studies have repeatedly shown the power of positive thinking. People who think positively during adversity have consistently reported experiencing lower rates of stress/anxiety, depression, and health struggles and higher rates of happiness and wellness. We’ve all been impacted by COVID-19 in different ways, and the pandemic has forced many of us to take inventory of how we live. Do you have balance when it comes to your work life and personal life? Do you think about a career change? How healthy are your important relationships, and what changes would you like to make? Thinking positively is important when it comes to self-reflection and making changes that are good for you.

By Dr. Michael Oberschneider, Ashburn Psychological & Psychiatric Services

Our children are back in school, and everything’s great, right? Yes and no. Sure, there are plenty of positives to being in school again — our children can access academic material better, receive more personalized and direct instruction, form and maintain better connections, and are less distracted. However, while research has shown that children learn more when they are in school, the return to school has been problematic for many.

In my opinion, the protracted changes, adjustments, and uncertainties of COVID-19 have been, and continue to be, the primary emotional impediment to our children’s success as students. There’s a process of attrition to any system, and the restrictions (e.g., wearing a mask all day) and other in-school modifications and inconveniences have indeed been wearing on our children.

Analogous to pounding a car over and over again with a hammer where it will eventually break down or not start, the same applies to the human mind. With COVID-19, our children have had to absorb hammer hit after hammer hit, and after a year and a half of hits, the engine isn’t running as smoothly as it once did.

Children and teens, unlike adults, don’t possess the internal resources to fully manage their negative emotions during a crisis, which is why research has shown significantly higher rates of all sorts of mental health and learning struggles for them now. As a child psychologist in private practice, I’ve seen firsthand the considerably higher rates of mental health struggles that have been reported this past year and a half for our children. This includes increased depression, anxiety, self-harm, substance use, as well as various behavioral problems.

Moreover, the topic of peer-to-peer negativity and physical fighting at school has come up a lot with the children I treat. The popular “Devious Licks” TikTok Challenge, where students are damaging and stealing things from school bathrooms, is arguably an example of this. In addition, I am aware of a challenge that involved a student punching another student from behind in a school bathroom and then running away. One only needs to turn on the news these days to see adults fighting on airplanes and in various other public settings or online in such disheartening ways.

So, how, as parents, can we best support our children this school year, especially when it doesn’t appear that the omnipresent hammer hits of COVID-19 will be going away any time soon?

FOSTER A POSITIVE MINDSET
Research studies have repeatedly shown a strong link between positive thinking and emotional and physical well-being for children. Positive thinking can lead to increased grit/resilience, enhanced creativity, improved problem-solving skills, increased focus and concentration, greater achievement, and stronger relationships.

However, being positive doesn’t mean being happy all the time; even during struggles or adversities, it’s always a good thing to help your child focus on the good. Explaining your values and morals, inquiring about positive experiences, encouraging, praising positive moments and/or outcomes, and motivating, are just a few ways parents can help their child take on a more positive mindset.

VOLUNTEER
Helping others less fortunate or those in need increases your child’s altruism and gratitude, as well as communication and social skills. Running or walking a 5K for a good cause, tutoring younger students, participating in a neighborhood cleanup, working at an animal shelter, and serving the homeless are a few ways children can give back on their own or with their families and head into a new school week with purpose and positivity.

MODEL POSITIVITY
Our children learn, in large part, from what they observe us do as parents. Developmentally, they internalize our statements and behaviors in forming their own burgeoning identities. So, if you want your child to be positive, you need to practice what you preach as a parent.

Modeling positivity, however, doesn’t mean protecting your children from the curveballs of life. Age appropriately, I encourage parents to acknowledge and discuss their own negative situations and feelings with their children when they arise. Discussing your problems toward a more positive or productive solution or outcome can give your child the emotional space to safely practice conflict-resolution moments, which in turn will serve to increase their own problem-solving and emotional resilience.

HELP YOUR CHILD SET & ACHIEVE GOALS
Setting goals will help your child attain greater confidence and personal mastery, which will, in turn, lead to increased positivity. I am a huge fan of the WOOP (Wish, Outcome, Obstacle, and Plan) strategy for children, developed by academic psychologist Dr. Gabriele Oettingen. The strategy involves mental contrasting with implementing intentions.

So, for example, if your child wishes to join a club at school as a goal but is anxious about it, you could ask him to visualize the outcome of that goal. How would he feel? What would that look like? Once he’s done that, you could then ask him to identify the obstacles that he will need to overcome to achieve the goal. After that, you could ask him to come up with a plan to overcome those obstacles. Finally, what will he do when the obstacles present themselves?

Visualizing, planning, and practicing in this structured way will help your child achieve goals, which again will, in turn, lead to his having a more confident, positive sense of self in the world.

MAKE YOURSELF AVAILABLE
While most children are happy to be back in school, the stressors of COVID-19 are present for them daily. Parents should keep in mind that younger children don’t often have the insight and self-awareness to talk about what’s troubling them, and even older children who do can still struggle with discussing their problems openly. Thus, our children need us as parents to be available now more than ever.

Being available can involve discussions around a social, academic, or emotional problem your child might experience at school. Being present can also mean spending quality time together — having meals together, planning vacations together, reviewing schoolwork together, playing board games or video games together, doing chores together, watching a family show or movie together, doing arts and crafts or projects together, exercising together, volunteering together, or going for walks together are just a few ways parents can be more available.

We keep hearing that COVID-19 won’t last forever, but the ongoing changes, adjustments, and uncertainties continue to be stressful for our children at school and beyond. As parents, it’s my hope that fostering a positive mindset, volunteering, modeling positivity, helping your child set and achieve goals, and making yourself available will altogether support your child toward a positive and productive, but not quite normal, school year.

By Dr. Michael Oberschneider, Ashburn Psychological & Psychiatric Services

With the start of the school year just weeks away, many children are beginning to look forward to returning to class. However, the numerous uncertainties, unanswered questions, and unknowns about what school will be like this year, alongside the significant life changes and adjustments of the past 16 months, have created a lot of anxiety for returning students.

While back-to-school anxiety is not uncommon, recent surveys have shown that the number of elementary and middle school, high school, and college students experiencing anxiety is at an all-time high; one survey revealed that 66 percent of children have notable anxiety about returning to school.

In addition to anxiety, surveys have also revealed disturbing patterns that weren’t there before, with higher rates of depression, anger, behavior problems, substance use problems, and sleep problems for children and teens during COVID-19.

In my work as a child psychologist, I, too, have noticed the increase in anxiety for children and teens this past year and a half; and more recently, there has been an absolute tsunami of anxiety — separation anxiety, social anxiety, generalized anxiety, and panic — for children, teens, and parents regarding this upcoming school year.

Back-to-school anxiety can be difficult for children and teens to overcome and manage, especially this year. I offer the following tips in support of easing your child’s or teen’s struggles.

Take your own temperature as a parent
In many ways, our children are extensions of ourselves, and so, it’s easy for us as parents to sometimes over-identify with and/or even overfeel our children’s emotional pain.

Being mindful of your statements, advice, and behaviors in response to your child’s or teen’s back-to-school anxiety is important. In addition, modeling positivity and strength regarding the return to school will also help to ease anxiety for them.

Prepare and practice for the return
Anxiety likes to take control, and more than anything, it likes to distort control when it comes to how we think, feel, and behave. So, if your child is afraid of returning to school, for example, they will likely have distorted or exaggerated thoughts of unsafety and feelings of unsafety, which could lead to difficulties for your child to get to school or remain in school.

One way to get more legitimate control over anxiety’s distorted control at this moment is to prepare and practice. For example, getting your child into a back-to-school routine (adjusting bedtime, selecting clothes, etc.), increasing your child’s social time with children they will see at school, visiting the school if it’s open, or playing on the school’s playground are a few ways that can help to normalize your child’s feelings as they transition back to school.

Listen, communicate openly, and validate
I encourage parents to openly talk to their children and teens about their return to school. If they are having difficulty opening up, open-ended questions can be helpful.

For instance, you could ask them about some of the things they may be looking forward to and some of the things they may not be looking forward to in returning to school. Validating their concerns and worries will help them to achieve greater resilience and confidence.

Praise and reward
As a psychologist and father, I am a huge fan of praise and reward; applied separately or together, they reinforce positive change and increase self-esteem and competency in our children. So, if your younger child has developed separation anxiety, offer them a reward (going out for ice cream with you) for attending a playdate outside of your presence and the home.

A teen I work with who has anxiety about returning to college this fall is taking a fun and adventurous road trip with his parents prior to returning to school. The extra positive time with his mother and father, and the planned activities, have helped to ease his anxiety about going back.

Know your child’s or teen’s bandwidth
Certainly, the expectation is for your child or teen to return to school. However, knowing and respecting their limits is important. If their anxiety remains high, communicating with the school as soon as possible is a good idea.

From preschool to college, involved school personnel can work closely with your children and you to support their safe and successful return to school.

Get help if needed
Combating anxiety is difficult, and while children can work through their back-to-school struggles without professional help much of the time, there are times when professional help is warranted.

This has been and continues to be an especially challenging time for our children, so it will be important to keep a closer parental watch on things in the coming weeks.

If you believe your child or teen is struggling with anxiety or any other mental health problems, and their struggle is more than you can help them with as a parent, I recommend contacting a child psychologist or therapist.

The school year is closely upon us, and we all want life — including our child’s or teen’s schooling — to return to normal. There remain numerous uncertainties, unanswered questions, and unknowns about what school will be like this year.

There are ample reasons for our children to be anxious, and there are plenty of reasons for them to be happy. The pandemic is ending, our children are thankfully returning to school, and life is slowly returning to normal.

By Dr. Michael Oberschneider, Ashburn Psychological & Psychiatric Services

The Canadian psychoanalyst, Elliott Jacques coined the term “Mid-Life Crisis” in 1965. He believed that mid-life is a transitional phase rife with uncertainty and emotional conflict, pertaining to one’s sense of mortality.

Later research in this area has found that to varying degrees, people during mid-life can experience disappointment, regret, dissatisfaction, and unhappiness in their work and personal life. Research has shown that the phenomenon occurs most often in individuals in their 40s and early 50s, and approximately 10 to 20 percent of individuals experience a midlife crisis.

“Probably the happiest period in life most frequently is in middle age, when the eager passions of youth are cooled, and the infirmities of age not yet begun; as we see that the shadows, which are morning and evening so large, almost entirely disappear at midday.” — Eleanor Roosevelt

There has been some very interesting research on the midlife crisis, showing that happiness and contentment across the lifespan follow a U-shaped curve. In these studies, younger individuals have been found to be satisfied with their lives, while middle-aged individuals showed a significant drop in happiness. Individuals in their later years experience a renewed sense of life, purpose, and happiness.

There is also an emerging body of economic research examining job satisfaction across the lifespan. Those results also show a U-shaped curve — higher levels in early and later work experiences, with lower levels during the ages associated with mid-life. These results are not gender-exclusive and do not discriminate across cultures or socioeconomic statuses.

Common mid-life crisis symptoms include depression, unhappiness in your marriage, sleep struggles, preoccupation with your appearance, weight gain or loss, being tired or bored, losing interest in the things you used to find pleasure in, thoughts of dying, increased consumption of alcohol or drugs, and making excessive or extreme decisions — buying a sports car, having an affair, or changing careers.

In my work during COVID-19, I have seen first-hand the mid-life struggles for individuals and couples increase tremendously. There is no doubt that the many stressors of COVID-19, and its impact on us as spouses and parents, have been emotionally overwhelming for many.

It is not uncommon for people to act out their strong negative feelings when life’s problems seem too much to handle. If you are middle-aged and struggling with your partner or spouse, here are a few helpful tips.

GET ACTIVE
Research has shown that being active and exercising boosts energy, promotes better sleep, helps to fight off illnesses, increases your libido, and lifts your mood.

DRINK LESS ALCOHOL
Alcohol is a depressant, so if you are feeling bad about yourself or your life, drinking will likely make things worse. Enjoying a beer or a glass of wine with friends can complement a moment, but drinking in excess is a bad idea. Maybe ask yourself, ‘How often is alcohol involved when I fight with my partner or spouse?’ If the answer is often, maybe it’s time to reassess your relationship with alcohol.

SPEND TIME WITH YOUR CHILDREN
If you have children, they are an extension of you, so spending time with them should serve to help you center yourself. Seeing your child’s joy will have a positive impact on you. It will help to remind you of how important your family is and vice versa.

MAKE A VISION BOARD
Get a corkboard, and thumbtack some visual goals. Magazine and Google images are great places to start. Perhaps you could tack up a picture of a happy couple or family, or a beach house, or someone your age in good shape, etc. Whatever your goals are, keeping them in sight will remind you of what matters most.

GET OUTSIDE
Research has shown that spending time outside can boost mental health, improve blood pressure, and even decrease medical conditions.

DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT
Doing the same thing over and over can become boring or even laborious, especially if you are struggling emotionally. Take a new way home from work, try something different for lunch, or start a hobby. By stepping outside of your comfort zone, you can begin to find renewed purpose.

MEDITATE OR PRAY
Research has shown numerous benefits of prayer and meditation. People who pray or meditate report experiencing a greater sense of inner peace and purpose, reduced depression and anxiety, lower blood pressure, and improved relationships. Believing in God, or something greater than yourself, can serve to humble you to better appreciate the awesomeness of life.

GET SOCIAL
We are social beings, and research has shown that building and experiencing social connections is a surefire way to improve mood and emotional well-being and to decrease feelings of depression. Active social people have stronger immune systems. Studies have also shown that a positive relationship lowers the risk of dementia.

FOCUS ON THE GOOD
Numerous research studies show that people who think positively experience better well-being. They also tend to be more successful in life, have better relationships, and live longer.

SPEND TIME WITH YOUR SPOUSE OR SIGNIFICANT OTHER
If you are struggling in midlife, make it a priority to spend more time with your significant other. One-on-one time does not need to be a big night out on the town, although date nights are important for any marriage, but letting your partner know how you are feeling, and what you are needing is a must.

GET HELP
You do not need to have a serious mental health condition to participate in therapy. Meeting with a psychologist can help you to process and think through your mid-life struggles, develop more adaptive and productive coping skills, and positively reframe and redefine your life course.

I agree with Eleanor Roosevelt’s wisdom that middle age is probably the happiest period of one’s life, but there can certainly be challenges to overcome. If you are experiencing a midlife crisis and struggles in your relationship, it is my hope that with improved communication, mutual respect, and patience, you will both find the happiness you once had.

By Dr. Michael Oberschneider, Ashburn Psychological & Psychiatric Services

As a psychologist, I frequently work with children and teens involved in competitive team sports, and while there are certainly advantages to being a great athlete at a young age, there can also be a number of challenges.

The Good
The positives of youth sports are manifold. Research studies have shown that highly athletic children and teens do better academically, socially, and emotionally and are more physically fit when compared to those who do not participate in competitive organized sports.

According to Niko Eckart, Founder and Technical Director of Virginia Revolution Soccer Club here in Loudoun County, “Team sports are a great source of confidence building, character development, and social interaction. All these traits are important to instill in children at a young age. We at Virginia Revolution Soccer Club truly believe in exposing children to the positive aspects of team sports at an early age.”

And the research supports Eckart’s experience. For example, competitive high school athletes display greater self-confidence and self-respect, possess significantly more leadership skills, graduate at higher rates, and actually end up earning more money later in life than their non-athletic peers — one study found that former competitive high school athletes earn somewhere in the ballpark (pardon the pun) of 5% to 15% more across their careers than students who did not participate in organized competitive sports. Interestingly, that study did not find higher earnings for students later in life for any other extracurricular high school activity.

The Bad
Competitive youth sports can be very time-consuming. When a child or teen athlete goes from the recreational level to the competitive level in any sport, free time becomes harder to find. Conditioning requirements, nights, and weekends being booked with games and travel, and daily practices, altogether leave most competitive youth athletes little to no time to participate in any other extracurricular activities or social moments.

Between fees, equipment, travel, etc., competitive youth sports are also incredibly expensive. One research study found that some families spend as much as 10% of their incomes on their children’s sports! With a low of around $1000 to a maximum of $20,000 annually, that study revealed what many parents know too well, that the investment into a child’s competitive athletic endeavors can place a significant strain on a family’s finances.

The Ugly
The emotional commitment to a competitive team sport, beyond time and money, can also be great. While the pressure to perform and always be expected to give 110% can increase a child or teen’s grit and resilience, it can take a toll. If not managed, excessive pressure and stress can lead to a host of larger psychological problems and harmful behaviors such as burnout, anxiety, depression, substance and alcohol use, steroid use, and eating disorders.

According to Eckart, “We have a wide variety of talent and aspirations within our club. Some kids love to play soccer every day — all day. Some just practice twice per week and use soccer as an alternative sport. I believe any sport has to be fun. If your child does not have fun, they will fall behind in their development and ultimately quit the sport. The higher their enjoyment, the more the athlete will invest their own time and will succeed!”

Even with the right technique and approach, getting hurt while playing sports competitively is also an unavoidable reality for our youth. It is well accepted that the risk of serious injury increases with contact sports such as football or hockey, but injuries can also occur in any sport. Overuse injuries are actually quite common in competitive youth sports, and injuries can become chronic — and even lifelong — conditions if not adequately addressed.

I have worked with many professional athletes over the years as a psychologist. Several of them are adamant about not allowing their own children to enter their field for this very reason. A highly successful athlete once expressed to me that he is in constant pain due to the main injuries he sustained over the course of his career. It is also an unfortunate reality that the likelihood of sustaining a concussion increases when playing contact sports, and recent research in this area has found a link between playing tackle football in preadolescence and later developing chronic traumatic encephalopathy.

Excessive parental pressure and strained parent-child relationships can also be an ugly aspect of competitive youth sports. Thus, parents need to reflect on their own motivations and behaviors regarding their child or teen’s participation in competitive sports.

Eckart acknowledges the stress of competitive sports on the parent-child relationship, “Striking a balance between working hard in a competitive sport and having fun is very important.” He adds, “We are setting expectations at the beginning of each season with parents and players. We want our players and parents to enjoy games and practices. The more parents positively support their kids, the better the experiences are!”

Our children are extensions of ourselves, and because of that, what we want for them can become emotionally blurred with what we want or need for ourselves. It is also important to remember that regardless of how talented your child or teen is in a given sport, their decision to continue to play or not should not be yours alone to make. Sometimes even the most gifted child or teen may want to stop playing a sport, and if they’re stopping for a good reason or reasons, then it is best for parents to be supportive.

In summary, I am a huge fan of competitive youth sports, but I also know that balance for a child or teen is essential for happiness and success. If a child or teen’s functioning across the most important areas of his or her life is good — his or her social/emotional life, academic life, and home life — then adding a competitive sport into the mix is fine. Also, in my experience working with competitive athletic youth, the children and teens with natural talent, passion/drive, and good social skills most often do best.

By Dr. Michael Oberschneider, Ashburn Psychological & Psychiatric Services

“Yes Day!” is a recent movie that involves a mom and dad that usually say “no” to their children, but agree to a 24-hour period where their children get to do whatever they want (with some reasonable ground rules). The family goes on an adventure with all sorts of twists and turns, and the story unfolds with fun, impulsive, and at times difficult emotional moments for them all.

In the end, the children and parents grow from their whirlwind day, and they become closer and better off as a family for having had the experience. The movie is adapted from the 2009 children’s book of the same name.

I strongly recommend that all families take a break from the day in and day out of life to have a “Yes Day.”

As a psychologist, and in my opinion, the concept represents a metaphor for change and personal growth. When we do the same things the same way every day, our lives can seem redundant and predictable. Approaching things with an open mind and with creativity, or simply trying things out in a different way can, in contrast, be refreshing, which in turn can bring about happiness and growth. In addition to feeling better about ourselves by breaking up fixed patterns, our relationships can also improve when we say “yes” to our important others instead of “no.”

I think that children can also benefit in tremendous ways from a “Yes Day.” Beyond the idea of serving to stretch our children’s comfort level with things, it can also give them a sense of autonomy or independence that they don’t normally have, which is great for developing self-esteem and confidence. It also can provide them with an opportunity to have unbridled and unscheduled fun; having this sort of fun in relation to parents can also increase closeness and improve family relationships.

This has undeniably been one of the hardest years our children have ever been through — socially, emotionally, and academically, and for many, financially. Aside from COVID-19, the demands on today’s children are great, especially in Northern Virginia, where things can be competitive academically; and busy sports schedules and extracurricular activities don’t give children a lot of opportunities for carefree family fun. A “Yes Day” gives a child a revitalizing break to just feel good in relation to the people who matter most to them.

If you’re interested in having a “Yes Day” with your children, here are a few tips to get the most out of the experience:

∙ Plan ahead and pick a day that has the fewest restrictions or limitations for all involved. A weekend day, the first weekend after the school year, or during a vacation might be good times.

∙ Get your children to put some skin in the game. Like in the movie, perhaps your children could consistently knock down daily chores for a month or get very good grades to earn the privilege to have a “Yes Day.”

∙ Put a spending limit on the day.

∙ Make sure that any and all activities that you engage in as a family are safe.

∙ Make sure all of your children agree on the activities in advance or give them turns to choose what they’d like to do.

∙ Keep the fun within the parameter of the 24-hour period, and nothing said or done should spill forward into the next day or the future. While your child might want to get you to say “yes” to getting a puppy, for example, that would be outside of the 24-hour period.

∙ Decide on a radius. In the movie, the parents implemented a 20-mile radius for the adventurous day and activities.

∙ From ice cream for breakfast to staying up late and camping outside in the backyard, and whatever other silly and outrageous ideas your children come up with. Embrace the moment, laugh largely, create happy memories and make “Yes Day” the best day!