By Dr. Michael Oberschneider, Ashburn Psychological & Psychiatric Services

When many of us think back to the age we wish we could take a redo, the tween and pre-teen years of middle school often come to mind. It’s a time when most kids live in the whirling limbo of two different worlds, with one foot still planted in childhood and the other tripping into all of the messiness of puberty. Change best defines this phase of life, and as we know, change is not easy…for any of us.

Parenting a middle schooler can often feel like swimming upstream. Treading through oceans of eye-rolling. In our new Meet Me in the Middle series of blogs, we’ll address various topics to help you understand where your child is at this moment, how to meet them exactly where they are, and how to help both of you traverse the early adolescent years, which are a perfect storm of social, biological and educational changes.

What is the biggest shift happening in a middle schooler’s thought process?
Intellectually, they’re beginning to see the world — their personal experiences and moments and themselves — with more gray hues instead of in the black and white strokes they relied on as younger children. Elementary-school-aged children don’t have the developmental capacity to reason through ideas abstractly, while middle school students are maturing into that.

Where younger children will see a situation, person, or problem as being only all “good,” “bad,” “right,” or “wrong,” tweens are able to begin to see the complexities. For example, a younger child will view Darth Vader from Star Wars as simply the bad guy, whereas middle school children are able to play with that idea a little more. If asked, middle schoolers will tell you that Darth Vader is bad, but they can also appreciate his struggles and motivations — the impact of the separation from his mom and later tragic loss of her, his being manipulated by the Emperor, his secret love interest in Padme — in understanding why he behaved the way he did.

It seems like many of us remember those years as a time when our eyes were opened in ways they hadn’t been before. And that can be confusing and even overwhelming. For example, starting to see your parents or the family unit as imperfect (and sometimes that’s putting it kindly). Is that part of being able to see that gray area? Yes, definitely. But there are also differences between an 11-, 12- and 13-year-old.

Erik Erickson, the developmental and social psychologist, categorized development into 8 stages. For Erikson, by 11, children are more self-aware, and they are tasked with how they fit in and how they’re competent and self-confident. The school and social environments are the two main areas where this plays out. Parents and teachers should be especially supportive, available, and encouraging at this stage to promote and instill confidence and competency. When a child at this stage struggles and doesn’t receive the support he or she needs, problems of shame, “badness,” and inferiority can occur. When a child is 12 or 13 years old, he or she can explore their independence more with the goal of developing a greater sense of self in the world. Whereas the 11-year-old is more focused on “How can I be good?” the 12- and 13-year-old has moved on to the idea of “Who am I?”

Because that’s the main question for them, the 12- and 13-year-olds are going to make a lot of peer-to-peer comparisons, and he or she is going to try on different identities as they work toward establishing a more solid self.

Parents and teachers want to support and encourage children to try out new things, roles, and ideas. This is also a developmental phase, however, where children will exercise poor judgment and poor impulse control because there’s a lot of testing. This is when it becomes more important to be structured and firm as a parent — empathetic, for sure, but also setting clear boundaries.

Also, recognize that the brain changes that are occurring make kids seek social rewards more than they have in the past. By that, I mean that they can be in this feedback loop with their peers, where they want to be accepted and admired, so they will do whatever gives them that payoff. There are two sides to that, of course, but the need for peer approval is very strong at this age, and that can be hard for parents to understand sometimes.

What are some other types of behavioral changes that parents expect?
I call these the push-pull years in that our children will begin to want to push us away to try out how they want to do things more independently, but they will still want and need us to help them at times. It’s not uncommon for parents or teachers to view some of what is happening at this phase of development negatively.

Certainly, tweens can be oppositional or disrespectful, but a lot of what they’re saying and doing is also new to them; they’re trying out how to fit in, how to be confident, and how to be unique between 11 and 13, and that’s a lot to take in and try to always get right. When tweens misbehave, I recommend that teachers and parents find a balance between loving and firm in terms of correcting what needs to be corrected.

Remember that, biologically, their emotions are unpredictable. Instead of thinking of it like a child trying to be difficult, think of it as a child on a rollercoaster. Just don’t get on the ride with them. Wait until the ride is over to say what you want to say (whether it’s about boundaries or listening to what put them on the rollercoaster) because while they’re on it, they won’t hear a word you say. They’ll escalate, you’ll escalate, and it won’t lead anywhere positive. As the parent, make it your job to stay on the ground and wait for them to land alongside you.

Modeling is also key at this phase of development since our children learn a lot about how they want to behave or be in the world from watching their parents and teachers. For example, instead of telling your child what to do when there’s a friendship rift (one of the most common dramas at this age), give them an example of how you handle the same type of thing in your life: “You know, I work with a guy who is not someone who I’d probably invite over on a Saturday night — we’re pretty different. But we do get a quick lunch together sometimes, and last time, I was surprised that we actually liked the same movies/author/football team. We don’t have to be best friends to have moments like that together once in a while.”

Open-ended questions go a long way, too, “How would you want someone to treat you?” They’re able to process more complicated situations now, but may need help thinking through the steps to get to the other side.

What I tell parents all the time is just to be there. It sounds too simple to be effective, but it really is the best advice I can give. At times, your child will need an open, trusted ear to vent their upset feelings. At other times, they will need guidance. At other times, they will just need a shoulder to cry on or a hug. At other times they will just want someone to watch their favorite TV show with or to do an activity with. Northern Virginia is a busy place, and COVID-19 has created even more challenges for many of us as adults, but putting aside time every day for your child will pay back 10 fold for them in terms of their happiness and success in life. Family meals, family activities, family traditions, family vacations or staycations, family chores, and family errands are all important moments, even if it sometimes seems like they don’t want to be there.

By Dr. Michael Oberschneider, Ashburn Psychological & Psychiatric Services

Dear Dr. Mike,

My husband has been offered a promotion to a new position on the West Coast, but his company needs him to relocate by March!

If he doesn’t accept, they will give him a severance package, but then he’s without a job, and I stay at home. The move would have a higher salary, which is great, but I know for certain that moving abruptly will be difficult on our 3 children since Ashburn has always been their home. It will be especially difficult for our two older children in high school. My parents live in NOVA, and my husband’s parents live 2 hours away in PA, and the children will also lose their connection to their grandparents if we move.

Simply put, he wants us all to go, and I don’t. His point is that he has a very high position (he’s a VP in his company), and positions and salaries like his don’t come along every day, which is true. My position is that he should put his family first and money second. Period. Even with my not working, we’ve saved and invested well, and even if he’s out of work for an extended period of time, I’m confident that he’d eventually find something good in NOVA, and it will all work out. Your help is appreciated.

Dear Concerned Parent,

There are several factors to consider here, and I agree that your children’s needs should be a big part of the decisions you make as a family. However, your husband’s point that finding employment as a VP could take time is a valid one.

In his sector or industry, higher-level positions may not open often. He may indeed remain unemployed for an extended period, or he may need to settle for a lesser position in the area if he rejects the offer. I think the two of you need to evaluate your finances and your long-term goals.

For instance, if your husband doesn’t relocate, how long can you maintain your current standard of living? Could not relocating impact your retirement plans?

Rather than thinking of your situation as an all-or-nothing moment where your husband gets his way, or you and your children get yours, is there the possibility of a compromise as an alternative option? This could include your husband relocating to the West Coast on his own and flying back and forth for visits until the end of the school year. COVID-19 has demonstrated that teams don’t need to always work physically together to be successful, and perhaps he could take the role while remaining virtual a portion of the time.

With the likelihood of virtual learning continuing, perhaps your children could try to complete the year in their current schools virtually from the West Coast? This may allow them to maintain social connections, which will certainly be harder to do in a new school when managing social distance.

If you consider this on a trial basis, your family could make the move and see if there are benefits to the new town and how they feel about it while still attending NOVA schools. If the children’s struggles seem too great at the end of the school year, then perhaps your husband could start a job search back in NOVA, with the added benefit of his higher title and broadened experience to aid in his search.

As a psychologist who works a lot with families, children, and teens adjust fine to work-related relocations as long as the approach to the transition and new experience is reasonable.

Unfortunately, there is no right answer to these types of decisions. The key is to support each other, to listen to each other, and to maintain an open mind to new experiences as a family.

By Dr. Michael Oberschneider, Ashburn Psychological & Psychiatric Services

On a societal and global level, COVID-19 has made this year a difficult one in so many ways. Worldwide, close to 1.7 million people have died, and close to 80,000,000 people have become sick with the virus. Statistics on COVID-19 are also imperfect, given testing limitations and the lack of consideration of those who may have it but are asymptomatic, so the number of cases is likely higher.

The virus has impacted us all individually in so many profound ways — how we work, how we go to school, how we socialize, how we have fun or vacation, how we celebrate holidays, and how we feel. There is no denying that this has been an emotionally exhausting year, and for many, perhaps the worst year ever.

As a psychologist in private practice, the topic of COVID-19 and its impact has come up in my work in various ways with patients all year, with self-care being a main area of concern. Understandably, it is hard to take care of yourself with all of the adjustments and changes we have had to manage, but it is important to try. One approach to improve self-care and wellness is to eliminate something bad in your life and to replace it with something better…and to make that something a habit.

Research on habit formation has shown that achieving a goal takes practice and repetition, where eventually, the goal becomes less important, and the new behavior becomes an acquired habit. For example, if you watch too much TV and want to get in shape physically, you may have the goal of going to the gym every day, which will probably take great effort initially. However, after consistently going daily for a few months, working out will become automatic or second nature. Is it because you are more in shape? Is it because your spouse tells you that you look better? Is it because you have more energy? Is it because you are 2 belt holes thinner? Is it because you feel a sense of pride and accomplishment? It is all of those things, inasmuch as putting the TV remote down and throwing yourself into something new, that create an unfolding process of change.

So, as we enter 2021, I invite you to think about one thing that you would like to change about yourself and one thing that you plan to do to replace that behavior in the coming year. Here are a few things to consider:

No to Too Much Drinking
Drinking too much alcohol has become a way to cope with things this past year for many people, so perhaps abstaining from alcohol for a month would be a good goal. Dry January or Sober January has become increasingly popular, and research has shown that there are a lot of health benefits that come with taking a month off from drinking. So, instead of drinking in the evenings or over the weekend this January, think about how you want to enjoy using that time instead.

No to Too Much News
For many, taking a break from the news in January might be a good goal. Regardless of your political beliefs, too much CNN or too much Fox News can be emotionally upsetting and tiring. So, instead of getting worked up about the latest “Breaking News” moment, think about how you want to enjoy using that time instead.

No to Too Much Social Media
If you find yourself spending too much time on social media or with other forms of technology, taking a break might be the thing to do. So, instead of being preoccupied with screen time, think about how you want to enjoy using that time instead.

Keep in mind that January is only one month, and as you take positive steps forward, you will likely start to feel good about the changes you are making. Your favorite beer or wine or news show, as well as Facebook, video games, YouTube, and your smartphone, will still be there after January; and, you can return to those things after with a more balanced mindset and a healthy new habit or two.

I also encourage you to take stock over the holiday season of all that you have to be grateful for and all that you have learned about yourself over the past year. Even in these trying times, maintaining optimism and positivity will help you and those around you as we wait for life as we know it to return. With the vaccine on the way, there is light at the end of the COVID-19 tunnel, and we have much to be grateful for.