By Dr. Michael Oberschneider, Ashburn Psychological & Psychiatric Services

COVID-19 has had a profoundly negative impact on many married couples. The combination of working from home, virtual learning for our children, social distancing, financial hardship, stress, less quality time to relate, illness or the deaths of a loved one, etc., has been difficult for a lot of people with divorce rates spiking as a result.

Research has shown that divorce rates typically increase in response to natural disasters and crises, and even the strongest relationships can fail during unprecedented, unpredictable, and overly stressful times.

According to the research group Legal Templates, divorce rates were up 34% between March and June of 2020 compared to that same time in 2019. Their data also showed that marital unhappiness and the desire to separate peaked on April 13, 2020, during the time of quarantine and state lockdowns.

The group pointed out that this occurred due to the “disillusionment phase” of disaster — a time when people were most discouraged, negative, and stressed out by COVID-19. Moreover, Legal Templates found that certain segments of married couples that usually fair better during crises have divorced at higher rates (e.g., newlyweds and couples with younger children).

Certainly, in my work as a psychologist in private practice, I have seen an increase in couples seeking therapy since the pandemic started; interestingly, several of these couples are wanting guidance with divorcing correctly (for their children and for themselves) as opposed to wanting help to improve their problems.

On the other hand, a number of the couples I see have seen their relationships improve during the pandemic and are now stronger than ever.

If you find yourself struggling as a married couple, I offer the following tips to support positive change:

∙ Communicate with your spouse in advance of important things or at the front end of problems to avoid confusion, hurt, and upset.

∙ Connect daily and support your spouse through attentive and active listening.

∙ Do things together — going for a walk or exercising, cooking, and eating meals together as a couple or family, doing home improvement projects, and having date nights are just a few suggestions for quality together time.

∙ Expand your support system.

∙ Drink in moderation or not at all since excessive alcohol use can lead to distorted and exaggerated negative emotions and responses and poor judgment and impulse control.

∙ Maintain a healthy work and personal life balance and try not to let your work or work stress spill into your time with your spouse and family.

∙ Be spontaneous and plan something fun (e.g., a surprise date night or your next family trip).

∙ Support your spouse in active co-parenting and strive to agree on how you engage, reward, and consequence your children as a couple.

∙ Maintain healthy self-care and have a routine.

COVID-19 has been stressful for married couples, with divorce rates subsequently on the rise. It’s okay to feel what you’re feeling in response to all that is happening, and it’s also okay for your partner to do the same. Struggling and overcoming together is the goal, no matter how challenging things get, if you want your marriage to last.

By Dr. Michael Oberschneider, Ashburn Psychological & Psychiatric Services

Dear Dr. Mike,

Our children are having a difficult time with the quarantine.

Our 9-year-old son has ADHD, and his behaviors are much worse and his ability to focus on schoolwork is just not there…thank goodness the school year is almost over! It’s too bad because he was doing great academically and with his behaviors before all of this happened. Whatever we ask of him now, if it doesn’t involve Minecraft or YouTube, he won’t do it or he’ll only do it only after a lot of fighting.

Then there is our 18-year-old daughter who is in her room ALL THE TIME. My husband and I think that she’s addicted to social media, but when we tell her to get off of it after hours upon hours a day, she tells us, “What else am I supposed to do?” We know that she’s upset about how her senior year of high school turned out, but she doesn’t want to talk to us about that or anything at all really.

It seems that all we do is fight with our children these days no matter what we try to enforce and it’s pretty much unbearable in the house. My husband and I tried to put a schedule in place, but all we did was argue and fight with them, so we decided that it just wasn’t worth it. I’m sure we’re not alone, but we’d love, love, love some advice.

Dear Concerned Parent,

I’m not surprised that your son is struggling, and I’m also not surprised that he was doing well prior to the pandemic. Research has shown that children with ADHD do best with structure and a schedule, and his daily routine was in place and predictable before in ways that it’s not now. That, along with all the changes and uncertainties with COVID-19, is likely too much for him to handle, so he’s retreating into what feels good.

Your daughter, although older, is likely doing the same for herself — there’s comfort in social media for her, and it provides her with an escape from the upsetting everyday realities of not seeing her friends, not finishing up senior year the way she had wanted, etc.

Certainly, there’s loss and anxiety for your children, but allowing your current dynamic to continue is not a good idea. You write that your children don’t want to follow a schedule, but as parents, you are in charge and as long as your schedule and expectations are reasonable you need to take control of the situation.

I would start by having a family meeting to discuss your concerns as you see them as parents in a loving but firm way; you can supportively talk to them about how difficult this has been — and continues to be — and how you plan to improve things for you all as a family. In terms of getting them onboard, technology is important to both of your children, so I would let them know that they are only allowed to use technology for pleasure after their responsibilities are completed.

You may have a few rough hours or even a few rough days with that new ground rule, but again, as long as your expectations are reasonable they should want to manage them well enough so that they can earn their technology as a privilege. At 11 and 18, their schedules (and your expectations of them) will be different, but in my opinion, the schedule should support a balanced day where there’s academic time, technology time, movement/athletic time, and family time.

More specifically, at 11, I recommend breaking up your son’s time into s morning, daytime, and evening schedule. You can write down time-specific tasks that he can check off as he goes. He’ll likely need your presence and guidance in order to succeed at first. For your daughter, as a teenager, she will likely prefer a schedule that gives her a sense of freedom and autonomy. So, rather than giving her time-specific tasks, I recommend that you instead give her a time frame to complete things. Having a schedule, even a loose one for your children will give them a road map for their day, and getting things done should begin to feel good.

Lastly, yes you are not alone, and many of us are having difficulty managing the quarantine, as well as the manifold other ways in which COVID-19 has negatively impacted our lives. Thus, I also recommend that you try to keep things in perspective. The world is upside down right now and it’s been that way since mid-March. So, while a schedule and structure are very important for our children, equally important now is our loving presence and availability to them.

By Dr. Michael Oberschneider, Ashburn Psychological & Psychiatric Services

Dear Dr. Mike,

I cheated on my husband about two years ago, and I’ve gone back and forth between feeling very guilty about what I did and being okay with my plan to keep it a secret. It was a one-time, very, very stupid moment that I regret, and it happened with a coworker on a business trip. I still see my coworker, but I put a stop to things right after that night. He’s also married, and his wife doesn’t know either. My close friends have all told me to not say anything (and most articles on the Internet pointed me in that direction), but I’m still having a hard time letting it go after all this time

You Might Also Like: Do I Tell My Husband I Cheated?

My relationship with my husband is great in so many ways, and I couldn’t imagine ever being apart from him. I just feel so dishonest and like such a phony, and the kinder and sweeter he is to me and the kids, the worse I’ve felt about myself. I actually really don’t know why I did it, and I don’t want to make excuses for myself, but I often drink too much and even blacked out the night I cheated. I see it if I tell my husband, I will hurt him, and knowing him, he will divorce me. This will hurt not just me and him but the kids, and why should they suffer?

If I don’t tell my husband, then I’m the only one who suffers, and we stay married, and that seems best for me and everyone else. Right? I’d love some advice on my situation.

Dear Concerned Parent,

I am reminded of the old saying, “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas,” which, as you’ve learned, is actually not true for big moments. Sure, you’ve been able to successfully keep the secret of your isolated sexual indiscretion from your husband, but the experience remains with you today and at a high cost emotionally.

The reason I think you’re having such a hard time letting go and moving on two years after that night is because of the strong love you have for your husband and your family. I can only imagine that the guilt you feel over what you did has been genuinely horrible for you.

You Might Also Like: Divorce as a New Year’s Resolution?

Unfortunately, there really isn’t a one-size-fits-all solution to your moment or problem, or at least one that will make all of your upset go away or disappear. Your friends will certainly give you their advice, and so too will Google and me, but at the end of the day, only you can decide what’s best for you and your husband and family.

Certainly, an argument could be made for you to continue to keep your secret and for you to continue to work through your emotional conflicts. With that approach, as you shared, only you have been the one to suffer in your family, and with enough time and space, perhaps you’ll learn to accept what happened and let go of the pain all on your own. By keeping the event a secret from your husband, for the past two years, you and your husband have remained married, and your family has remained intact; you’re all continuing to enjoy the love and security of being together.

That, as you also shared, could all go away if you were to tell your husband what you did; he would likely become hurt and angry, and he may even leave you, and your children would likely also be negatively impacted by whatever would come next — fighting, separation and/or divorce. As you know, as a mother, children are perceptive. At the very least, your children would likely become aware of the pain both your husband would be experiencing together if you told him about your infidelity.

You Might Also Like: Divorce Rates Spike After COVID-19: Some Tips for Couples

But, an argument could also be made for telling your husband what happened, come what may.

In God’s eyes, marriage is a sacred covenant between a husband and a wife, and protecting the sanctity of your marriage is your shared duty based on love, honor, and commitment. And whether your wedding was a religious or civil ceremony, being faithful was an expectation and understanding you both had for one another when you exchanged vows and joined in your life together. Your husband is half of your partnership, yet by not knowing what happened, he’s entirely in the dark. He may believe that the foundation of his marriage is strong, when in fact, it now has some very real cracks.

Doesn’t your husband arguably have a right to know about those cracks? Isn’t it arguably unfair for you to keep him from knowing the truth since it’s his life too? Shouldn’t it arguably be his choice to remain in the marriage or not and not yours by keeping your infidelity from him?

It seems that you and your husband had an entirely whole relationship before that night, and your shared hearts had all of the important ingredients for true happiness — trust, honesty, commitment, and love. But now you have only the appearance of that, which appreciatively, has been extremely difficult for you. And while some of the important ingredients remain in your marriage (e.g., your love for him and his for you), you now carry some painful ones in your heart — deception, manipulation, and lies.

While it’s clear to me, based on what you’ve shared, that the status quo isn’t working for you, it’s also apparent that your ambivalence has and continues to cause you great pain. In my experience, ambivalence is often rooted in emotional conflict, so perhaps there were problems for you (and in the marriage) before that night. The idea that your relationship with your husband is great isn’t consistent with your drinking to excess, blacking out, and engaging in sexual relations with another man.

So, what do I think you should do? I recommend that you seek out the services of an experienced psychologist who can help you work through your situation’s complexities toward the best possible decision and outcome. A good therapist will also help you understand yourself and your struggles better, and he or she may wish to include your husband in that work. I think you already know that this is perhaps one of the most important moments in your life, and thus, I don’t think you should go it alone or rely solely on the informal advice of your friends, Google, or me in getting it right. Take your time, work on yourself, and what you need to do will become clearer to you.

By Dr. Michael Oberschneider, Ashburn Psychological & Psychiatric Services

The ongoing contentious debate over kneeling for the National Anthem escalated this past week in response to President Trump’s position that the act is disrespectful to our flag, our military, and our nation as a whole. Those in opposition to Trump’s position have argued that kneeling during the national anthem is their constitutional right and a symbolic statement of solidarity to call attention to serious social injustices in the US today — incidents involving police brutality, racism, inequality, etc.

There’s no denying that the argument over kneeling for the National Anthem isn’t going away anytime soon, but, regardless of your feelings or opinions as adults on this topic, it’s important to remember that our younger children are the most at risk emotionally as a group.

As a child psychologist, I have been dealing with the emotional impact of the National Anthem controversy with a number of my younger child patients. While I am perforce in the role of treating children with emotional and behavioral struggles, there are times when larger societal issues can enter the therapy space — and this is undoubtedly one of those times. Many of my younger child patients have broached the topic of kneeling with me this week with a heightened sense of confusion, anxiety, and even anger.

Children have said, “We were at the Redskins game, and we all booed when they didn’t stand for the National Anthem,” and “I’m not a Steelers fan anymore…they didn’t even have the guts to come out of the locker room,” and “Colin Kaepernick should move to Canada” and, “Drew Brees did the right thing to stand.” One client even proudly displayed his recently purchased Alejandro Villanueva jersey and commented that Villanueva was his new favorite player because he stood for the Anthem with his hand on his heart.

Not a single one of my younger patients has asserted support for any of the players or teams that kneeled this past week — even for players for whom my younger patients are fans. Of course, parental influence and socio-economics may have something to do with the forceful one-sided view from these youngsters inasmuch as the median household income is over $125,000, and the median home value is $478,000 in Loudoun County. By no means then do the voiced concerns for my younger child patients represent the concerns of all younger children in the US; demographics likely bring about divergent interpretations on this topic for children.

But beyond socio-economic, cultural, and other demographic differences, there are developmental and social factors that, for the most part, are universal for younger children at this moment.

First, younger children don’t possess the cognitive (or emotional) resources to truly grasp the complexity of kneeling or what it represents; using logic to solve problems in relation to others and the larger world toward more involved solutions requires abstract reasoning skills, which typically don’t develop until around 11 years of age and older. Just as 6- or 7-year-old children do not fully understand and cannot accurately explain the meaning of a metaphor or analogy, expecting a younger child to comprehend the social, cultural, and racial conflicts behind the National Anthem debate would also be unreasonable.

Second, younger children are rule-bound, and they are expected to listen to and obey the adults in their lives, so challenging authority in this way is also not acceptable to them. A veteran second-grade school teacher shared with me this week that in her many years of teaching, not once has one of her students not stood for the Pledge of Allegiance, nor has a single parent made such a request. For the elementary school child, you stand for the National Anthem because you’re expected to, and it’s the right thing to do. Younger children will have that same expectation for professional athletes with the National Anthem.

But while younger children tend to be more black and white or concrete in their thinking and problem-solving — right vs. wrong, good vs. bad, etc. — life events sometimes force them to employ some degree of abstract thought in recognizing the underlying lessons and meanings of more grey moments. Why does God let people die? Or if there’s love in my family, why are my parents divorcing? Even younger children, with our assistance, can accomplish some understanding of these sorts of complex questions and realities when compelled.

Professional sports play such a large role for so many children that, in my opinion, the current National Anthem controversy and debate is an unavoidable teaching moment for parents. Thus, I offer the following five tips to help parents to better manage what is happening right now for their younger children:

1. Be aware of your own biases and feelings.
Before speaking to your younger child or children about the National Anthem debate, be aware of your own feelings on the topic. Whether you are for standing, for kneeling, for locking arms, or for something in between, make sure you don’t bring too much of your emotional weight or too many of your strong, negative feelings to the conversation. Children can be very perceptive to how their parents are feeling, so make sure you’re calm, reassuring, and confident if and when you choose to discuss what’s happening.

2. Remember who you’re talking to and why.
Consider your audience when determining what you share or do not share on this topic with your children. Regardless of the concerning or upsetting information, we receive as parents via the media, we must always be mindful of what our children are capable of handling before discussing things. Your child’s age, maturity level, and threshold for becoming emotionally upset are all things to consider before discussing the National Anthem controversy. Just as you would not discuss natural disasters or school shootings in the same way with 4, 12, or 16-year-old children due to developmental differences, you would not do the same for this topic for your children of varying ages.

3. Make diversity, bias, and social justice okay to talk about.
Children are aware of racial differences as early as infancy, and racial biases can form as early as 3- to 5-years-old. So, the earlier you teach your children about diversity, bias, and social justice, the better since these topics will also come up for them in different ways in both elementary school and middle school. Using examples from history, TV shows, or movies can be a helpful way to tackle these challenging areas with your younger child. For example, I am Rosa Parks, by Brad Meltzer, is a great picture book for children between the ages of 3 and 7 years that age-appropriately addresses the importance of standing up for what one believes is right. While the concept of segregation, or while understanding why Ms. Parks’s action to remain seated was illegal or why she was arrested, may not be entirely clear for younger children, you can discuss these deeper points with your children slowly and over time. Moreover, the Disney film, “Zootopia,” does an excellent job of addressing the harm that can come from stereotypes, intolerance and prejudice, and the good that can come from confronting these ideas toward making meaningful change.

4. Minimize exposure to the media.
Turn off the news! For the past week, news agencies have been on fire with the National Anthem controversy and debate and the high contention between professional athletes and the President. And while the Anthem debate is a newsworthy story, such widespread exposure can cause increased anxiety and upset for our younger children. So, on game day, don’t let your younger children watch which professional athletes chose to kneel during the National Anthem and what the commentators said afterward. Instead, I recommend that you avoid the TV at that moment and throw a football with your younger child or children in the backyard or grab some tasty pre-game snacks together before sitting down for the actual game.

5. Model empathy, compassion, and kindness.
An older teenage client of mine shared his very thoughtful and mature view on the controversy with me the other day when he said, “I don’t think it’s right to kneel for the Anthem, but I also don’t think people would be kneeling if they didn’t care…I think those guys are doing what they think is right, and I think they love America, and they’re just hurting.” While you may have strong feelings about standing for the National Anthem or kneeling for it, how you manage those feelings and what you model for your children as a parent is critical.

Younger children are highly impressionable, and they learn from what they experience. So, racist or derogatory messages, inappropriate jokes or insults, judgment, and criticism, whether overt or subtle, can become a part of a young child’s value system if parents believe in those sorts of ideas themselves. I recommend then that if and when you discuss the National Anthem kneeling controversy and debate with your younger child, you do so with empathy, compassion, and kindness. It’s your job as a parent to teach your child what you believe to be right and just, but it’s also good practice to have an open mind and a kind heart when discussing opinions or positions that differ from your own.